Words frozen in time

"I feel safe."

Those words and the moment in which they were said play over and over in my mind.

Safety comes from being seen and loved fully. And yes that is exactly what we shared, what we will always share.

I carry your heart, I carry it in mine.

I wish

I wish you would just ask

To talk

To see me

To dinner

To cuddle

Oh how I wish you would

I miss you

No more

The door is locked.

The curtain closed.

My heart is done as it should be.

I have allowed your cold calculated stubbornness to hurt me for the last time.

I have a right to be angry about the first time.

But every time after has been my own doing.

I trusted you and thought if I showed you enough love, enough faith, you would fight for us.

But it's clear you have no intention to do anything but continue the path you have set in your mind.

Keeping my heart open to the possibility of you and me together only hurts me.

So goodbye.

I'm moving forward.

Don't come to my door expecting me to open it any more.

Scars

I saw these words posted today on a friend's site. They stopped me cold in my tracks.

Sometimes you love someone or some living thing so much that it hurts. It's a strange combination of feelings that are difficult to explain. The word "hurt" doesn't do that feeling justice. It's almost an intolerable ache that simmers inside you as you realize just how attached you heart is.

It feels like a longing almost unsatisfied unless we are ONE. This kind of heart break brings you to the brink of insanity and there is nothing you can do to ease it. Time heals the wound but always leaves a deep scar.

I have only experienced this same kind of aching love with my boys and with you. 

I feel the scar of losing your love beginning to form. The sharp points of pain are simmering and calming into a dull ache. Love whispers in my ear that I will understand in time. That something very very good will come of this. That the scars will only make us more beautifully human (if we stay open to that outcome). 

I hold onto that. That idea. That the scars can be beautiful. That being human is beautiful. That imperfect love and even loss is beautiful. 

But damn this hurt and longing is not easy. If I can find my way through (and I know I will) I'm going to have one amazing story on the other side. 

I hope you are well

The silence between us surrounds me. I try to fill it with positive things. I notice the little moments that make the world spin and connect to the love inside myself.

I will move through the space and silence with as much grace as I can muster.

I think of you fondly and not so fondly too to be honest. My heart feels a little beaten. Laid open only to be left in the cold steely quiet. But I let those feelings fall from the tree, like the leaves of fall. They hit the cool ground and kiss the grass for the last time. And in that kiss those thoughts transform into gratitude for the letting go and the change of seasons. 

I hope you are well. That you have found your own peace in the silence.

It takes all my willpower to not call or text you. And really I should be silent here as well. But these words won't stop forming on these lips. The lips that miss your own and crease wide open with the memory of a night under the stars with you. 

So many good memories.

I hope they can heal the sour memories in time.

Fascination

I hear this and it pulls me back. I can feel our connection again. No matter how frustrated I get, I am always drawn back to the love between us. 

Enjoy this. I bet it will remind and soothe you too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4VQnyYoHn4

Warmth and Love to you

Hurt

It hurt today when I texted you.

When I told you that I missed your smile and playful nature.

And you responded with "yes, my teen is bored to tears"

Sigh..

Like so many times before I opened my heart to you, said something that makes me feel vulnerable and your reaction left me feeling wide open and unseen.

I tried to follow up honestly 

"I miss your teen, yes, but really all of you."

And when that statement was ignored moved to sarcasm out of pain

"So only your teen misses me huh... I see how it is 😉"

When that was also met without a response I got angry. 

Fine. Forget it. I won't open up to you anymore. 

I know you're busy. I know you have a million irons in the fire, but it doesn't change how I feel. 

I took this experience and realized that I am not a victim in it. I get to choose who I open up to and when. 

I get to choose what to do with the love I send out that gets thrown back in my face or flat out ignored. 

I get to choose when to say something and when to just walk away.

And this time I knew it wasn't worth a direct conversation. It is enough to let you know what happened. 

But I'm done trying to make our relationship work. I do hope for friendship. 

But in order to be fully me, it means that I have to feel safe being open and knowing my heart won't be ignored. I hope in time that can happen for us, but I just don't know if it's a realistic possibility. You and I operate in totally different ways.

I am sad about today but empowered as well. 

I do miss you but not enough to keep getting the door slammed on my heart. 

Is the door locked?

Each night I leave the crack in the curtain and the door unlocked.

My heart is still open to you.

I don't know how to close it yet.

I feel us drifting further and closer to our individual paths.

I know in time the curtain must close and the door must be locked again.

I want to know if the same is true for you?

Does your door stay open for me to catch a glimpse of the moonlight on your face. Is it even a possibility to watch the air rise and fall in your chest?

Or have your feet led you back already? 

Are your steps firm on your well dug road? 

Is there room for a silent observer that loves you still? 

Or has the curtain been closed for good?

I can't help but wonder

I can't help but wonder

Do you still look to your phone like I do? 

Do you wait patiently or not so patiently to see my name or hear the twitter that I am thinking of you? 

Do you stand in your closet and picture my face the way I picture yours?

Do you close your eyes and remember what it felt like to hold each other close?

I can't help but wonder. 

Separate Ways

Here we stand 
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two (two, two) 
Sleepless nights 
Losing ground 
I'm reaching for you (you, you) 

Feelin' that it's gone 
Can change your mind 
If we can't go on 
To survive the tide love divides 

Someday love will find you 
Break those chains that bind you 
One night will remind you 
How we touched 
And went our separate ways 
If she ever hurts you 
True love won't desert you 
You know I still love you 
Though we touched 
And went our separate ways 

Troubled times 
Caught between confusion and pain (pain, pain) 
Distant eyes 
Promises we make were in vain (in vain, vain) 

If you must go, I wish you love 
You'll never walk alone 
Take care my love 
Miss you love 

Someday love will find you 
Break those chains that bind you 
One night will remind you 
How we touched 
And went our separate ways 
If she ever hurts you 
True love won't desert you 
You know I still love you 
Though we touched 
And went our separate ways 

Someday love will find you 
Break those chains that bind you 
One night will remind you 
If she ever hurts you 
True love won't desert you 
You know I still love you 

I still love you
I really love you 
And if she ever hurts you 
True love won't desert you 
No - No -

I carry your heart

Good morning baby, I love you

I see you twist and turn to get out of bed this morning.

I see the deep sigh and share it with you.

I miss your morning kiss

But the memory of the morning light on your skin brings me peace.

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate,my sweet

(i want no world, for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love you more

There are places I remember 

All my life, though some have changed 

Some forever not for better 

Some have gone and some remain 

All these places have their moments 

With lovers and friends I still can recall 

Some are dead and some are living 

In my life I've loved them all 

But of all these friends and lovers 

There is no one compares with you 

And these memories lose their meaning 

When I think of love as something new 

Though I know I'll never lose affection 

For people and things that went before 

I know I'll often stop and think about them 

In my life I love you more 

Though I know I'll never lose affection 

For people and things that went before 

I know I'll often stop and think about them 

In my life I love you more 

In my life I love you more

Good night baby. I love you.

No more tears

So lets leave the weeping to the willows and throw our tears into the sea. 

Heaven or Hell

You say “Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone”

Is it true our love will grow in our dreams, in our place? How do we allow it but let go of it at the same time?

How do we move forward knowing we will meet each night like nothing has changed? 

I wouldn't call it hell, because loving you could never be hell. Each moment (whether awake or in my dreams) that I get to look into your sweet eyes and kiss your yummy lips is heaven. 

Love in dark times

Mumford & Sons – Ghosts that we Knew

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6-EUSvJchI

You saw my pain washed out in the rain
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
We'll live a long life

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright

I see now just how much you loved and accepted me. You saw my pain, my darkness and did not run from it. You stayed by my side and shared your love. Oh how I wish I would have let it in. 

I 

Our place

Last night I met you

In our place

As I walked the shoreline, water kissing my toes

I felt your eyes on me

The heat of your love surrounded me

And soon your arms wrapped around me

Hair pulled to the side and the sweetest kiss on my neck

A giggle and turn

And suddenly I was locked in the gaze of your eyes

Hearts locked together once again

It was heavenly being with you and not your ghost

And then just like that you were gone

Is this what you have experienced so many times?

What torture to be with the one you love only to have them disappear in an instant

I’m sorry for every time I did that to you

Gracious Goes the Ghost of You

Ben Howard  - Gracious Ghost

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tln8kYSJd4

How would you know?
When everything around you's changing like the weather,
of a big black storm.
And who would you turn to?
Had I a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you let me know?
Cause I don't want to,
trouble your mind with the childish design of how it all should go.
But I love you so,
When it all comes clear, when the wind it settles, I'll be here, you know.

Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
The sun upon that place
Darling I'll grow weary, happy still
With just the memory of your face

Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear

How would you know?
When everything around you's bruised and battered
Like the cold night storm.
And who would you turn to?
Had I a ghost, a shadow at the most, would you tell me so?
Cause I, I adore you so
When it all comes clear, the wind is settled, I'll be here, you know.

Cause you said ours were the lighthouse towers
The sun upon that place
Darling I'll grow weary, happy still
With just the memory of your face

Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dear

Gracious goes the ghost of you
And I will never forget the plans and the
Silhouettes you drew here and
Gracious goes the ghost of you
My dearp