No more

The door is locked.

The curtain closed.

My heart is done as it should be.

I have allowed your cold calculated stubbornness to hurt me for the last time.

I have a right to be angry about the first time.

But every time after has been my own doing.

I trusted you and thought if I showed you enough love, enough faith, you would fight for us.

But it's clear you have no intention to do anything but continue the path you have set in your mind.

Keeping my heart open to the possibility of you and me together only hurts me.

So goodbye.

I'm moving forward.

Don't come to my door expecting me to open it any more.

Scars

I saw these words posted today on a friend's site. They stopped me cold in my tracks.

Sometimes you love someone or some living thing so much that it hurts. It's a strange combination of feelings that are difficult to explain. The word "hurt" doesn't do that feeling justice. It's almost an intolerable ache that simmers inside you as you realize just how attached you heart is.

It feels like a longing almost unsatisfied unless we are ONE. This kind of heart break brings you to the brink of insanity and there is nothing you can do to ease it. Time heals the wound but always leaves a deep scar.

I have only experienced this same kind of aching love with my boys and with you. 

I feel the scar of losing your love beginning to form. The sharp points of pain are simmering and calming into a dull ache. Love whispers in my ear that I will understand in time. That something very very good will come of this. That the scars will only make us more beautifully human (if we stay open to that outcome). 

I hold onto that. That idea. That the scars can be beautiful. That being human is beautiful. That imperfect love and even loss is beautiful. 

But damn this hurt and longing is not easy. If I can find my way through (and I know I will) I'm going to have one amazing story on the other side. 

I hope you are well

The silence between us surrounds me. I try to fill it with positive things. I notice the little moments that make the world spin and connect to the love inside myself.

I will move through the space and silence with as much grace as I can muster.

I think of you fondly and not so fondly too to be honest. My heart feels a little beaten. Laid open only to be left in the cold steely quiet. But I let those feelings fall from the tree, like the leaves of fall. They hit the cool ground and kiss the grass for the last time. And in that kiss those thoughts transform into gratitude for the letting go and the change of seasons. 

I hope you are well. That you have found your own peace in the silence.

It takes all my willpower to not call or text you. And really I should be silent here as well. But these words won't stop forming on these lips. The lips that miss your own and crease wide open with the memory of a night under the stars with you. 

So many good memories.

I hope they can heal the sour memories in time.

Fascination

I hear this and it pulls me back. I can feel our connection again. No matter how frustrated I get, I am always drawn back to the love between us. 

Enjoy this. I bet it will remind and soothe you too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4VQnyYoHn4

Warmth and Love to you

Hurt

It hurt today when I texted you.

When I told you that I missed your smile and playful nature.

And you responded with "yes, my teen is bored to tears"

Sigh..

Like so many times before I opened my heart to you, said something that makes me feel vulnerable and your reaction left me feeling wide open and unseen.

I tried to follow up honestly 

"I miss your teen, yes, but really all of you."

And when that statement was ignored moved to sarcasm out of pain

"So only your teen misses me huh... I see how it is 😉"

When that was also met without a response I got angry. 

Fine. Forget it. I won't open up to you anymore. 

I know you're busy. I know you have a million irons in the fire, but it doesn't change how I feel. 

I took this experience and realized that I am not a victim in it. I get to choose who I open up to and when. 

I get to choose what to do with the love I send out that gets thrown back in my face or flat out ignored. 

I get to choose when to say something and when to just walk away.

And this time I knew it wasn't worth a direct conversation. It is enough to let you know what happened. 

But I'm done trying to make our relationship work. I do hope for friendship. 

But in order to be fully me, it means that I have to feel safe being open and knowing my heart won't be ignored. I hope in time that can happen for us, but I just don't know if it's a realistic possibility. You and I operate in totally different ways.

I am sad about today but empowered as well. 

I do miss you but not enough to keep getting the door slammed on my heart.